https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal daily 0.75 2026-03-19 https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/after-the-festival-run monthly 0.5 2026-03-19 https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/the-herbs-in-the-basket monthly 0.5 2025-09-03 https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/the-beauty-trap monthly 0.5 2025-09-03 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/c9cf442f-0320-45ea-a3ee-1b1bc5e8d796/DKA3LTXR.jpg journal - The beauty trap - Make it stand out A scene from The Girl with the Needle https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/74eaa654-fe01-4778-9b9e-df9b42363a82/GzYBTmrXEAApMX5.jpeg journal - The beauty trap - Make it stand out Still from the livestream inside the property where Jean Pormanove was tortured. https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/inside-the-writing-process monthly 0.5 2025-07-01 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/5666a8d3-df35-4172-9ef0-5512a04de241/IMG_6046.jpg journal - Inside the writing process - Make it stand out Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/11d310fa-a74d-4afe-9b79-0550ff832d31/04899BBD-B87D-4515-97E0-ADC3EE79DBA6.jpg journal - Inside the writing process - Make it stand out Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068623884-XXAYAJZL9IIUG4KPYM9H/IMG_5702.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068624371-UTWV4AY3UJOKJWW32SZO/IMG_5705.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068633085-4UFKKNGCTCANGGM6IVI2/IMG_5706.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068633051-4BM7TJ9UQUMP6WAZE3QL/IMG_5707.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068642320-EZ6LEZXREUKJ79VHE0L9/IMG_5708.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068642039-87RGVC1665GBSLXC9R17/IMG_5709.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068649460-7K1FMO3B02ZXJPZ5OM2C/IMG_5710.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068649925-IHSQJ6YFQ1AUVH4I7IXG/IMG_5711.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068657578-8ZMUL5NH387BWEZDHOGV/IMG_5712.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068657703-6NH7MV6H1E9STPBBC0BZ/IMG_5713.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068665540-PL5D9QH64CAHMKFC9U1P/IMG_5715.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068665643-JAYBW34A1T047UFTOPT1/IMG_5716.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068715119-V1HI7Q5WQYHM375GOQV9/IMG_5717.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068715442-IRPA88BOIJV2DYSLVFHP/IMG_5718.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068746047-ZOMLK1WBN0CJ93JTDQS8/IMG_5719.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068744674-EUGU33TEXSUQTMI64I0N/IMG_5720.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068777815-JG8T4YKQ4B1I5CEQB4KO/IMG_5721.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068778349-1NGBWVCKDOVXPTJIK3RU/IMG_5723.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068809074-2IQKRVS2SIS9G2OFHVU2/IMG_5724.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068811241-ZLDAC7YHR4TO0NPNG1IW/IMG_5725.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068815736-R75S9RVYR8JRTVQCCWXR/IMG_5726.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068818505-EHPCZUEN46A0UM1LRMND/IMG_5728.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068823211-KHFLK949VSEYJ1VC3KAO/IMG_5729.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068824769-B8FTAMT2ZE8VMZ335E36/IMG_5730.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068970041-G6X7C1ITWJTHVI08UX8L/IMG_5732.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751068970220-XCBEZ8Y1DDDJ8BGC6EP5/IMG_5733.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751069000693-QU75AZF0I4AYFI4LOCYO/IMG_5734.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751069000652-GPDKO859NHEJ8XDTSNNS/IMG_5736.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751069033920-4GBUTKS5R404V110B97E/IMG_5737.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751069034719-HPRP54Z8HJ8W0CDPIK2O/IMG_5738.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751069084831-3GRA35AEAZAJNZS1DY98/IMG_5743.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751069146708-3J53T2P2RCKYS2YT4CM9/IMG_5745.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1751069208193-D0SKE6N01P6JI4ZDAOD0/IMG_5747.jpg journal - Inside the writing process https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/something-ive-been-avoiding monthly 0.5 2025-06-26 https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/daylight-trespass monthly 0.5 2025-06-03 https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/a-story-that-wont-sit-still monthly 0.5 2025-05-28 https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/from-gilead-to-bousbir monthly 0.5 2025-12-18 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/d0157f29-1e2b-4bb1-a96b-f1f963c3b631/moulay-hassen-3.jpg journal - From Gilead to Bousbir - Make it stand out Oum El Hassen bent Ali (known as Moulay Hassen), Nov. 17, 1938, Fez, Morocco, escorted by police before the courthouse (French Presse). https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/cca5622a-8aa0-435b-9ac5-9508b819ca6c/IMG_8853.JPG journal - From Gilead to Bousbir - Make it stand out Illustration depicting the display of severed heads on the walls of Fez following the suppression of resistance (circa 1911–1912). Photographs and postcards exist, but are not reproduced here. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/d021d662-c50f-4519-8779-119ba83b81ca/IMG_8854.JPG journal - From Gilead to Bousbir - Make it stand out Aileen Wuornos. Photo by James Quine - Marion County Courthouse, March 31, 1992. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/92151c94-c1ff-4918-8c81-f059a94e2233/IMG_8855.JPG journal - From Gilead to Bousbir - Make it stand out An image from a postcard of the Bousbir quarter, located in Casablanca. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/214abff5-448a-4160-9871-9853b40286cd/img-7.jpg journal - From Gilead to Bousbir - Make it stand out Photograph from Hygiène, médecine et chirurgie au Maroc (1937). Moroccan women subjected to colonial medical inspection. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/422d4c9d-9c49-4625-9cf1-cdc762414fc6/0BOC20WY.jpg journal - From Gilead to Bousbir - Make it stand out Still from The Handmaid’s Tale. A handmaid’s body monitored under state control. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/b2257f41-8775-4e0e-9721-6ef10045571d/img-1.jpg journal - From Gilead to Bousbir - Make it stand out Colonial brothel infirmary in Morocco, where women were forced to undergo weekly medical checks. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/ccd29e4f-d5d3-479a-a8f3-b01a6a328899/IMG_3826.jpg journal - From Gilead to Bousbir - Make it stand out French colonial postcard titled “Une femme à Fez.” One of many eroticised images produced and circulated to satisfy European fantasies of North African women. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/7234bb08-6aed-45ee-adf8-f2ed4a5fe7eb/IMG_5225.JPG journal - From Gilead to Bousbir - Make it stand out Still from The Handmaid’s Tale. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/80a20b00-9663-43d5-a427-7083901db23d/LFUN3A2E+%281%29.jpg journal - From Gilead to Bousbir - Make it stand out Still from The Handmaid’s Tale. Ritualised sexual violence (The Ceremony) in Gilead. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/d1d8d65d-deba-4439-b2f2-a3caaf9805f4/IMG_8856.JPG journal - From Gilead to Bousbir - Make it stand out Women in Bousbir, the colonial red-light district of Casablanca, photographed for a French postcard. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/76e8f4a0-90b5-4199-aca3-1e2bd21e988c/IMG_8857.JPG journal - From Gilead to Bousbir - Make it stand out Photograph from Hygiène, médecine et chirurgie au Maroc (1937). Moroccan women subjected to colonial medical inspection. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/d830dfc7-a49f-48a2-83d2-6990d7e90b5f/IMG_8858.JPG journal - From Gilead to Bousbir - Make it stand out Identification photograph of an Algerian woman under French colonial rule. Marc Garanger, 1960. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/8e251e47-2688-42fc-a7bb-8866854098e2/IMG_8859.JPG journal - From Gilead to Bousbir - Make it stand out Oum El Hassen at her trial in Fez. French Protectorate period (1931). https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/radical-realism monthly 0.5 2025-05-28 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/007a9d17-3781-46d2-a245-da5855fc38dd/madonna-dangerous-game-movie-cap-0095.jpeg journal - Radical Realism - Make it stand out Madonna in Dangerous Game (dir. Abel Ferrara, 1993) https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/b2d534e6-4bbb-4736-ab30-52cb9f23f491/subutex-1-2000px.jpg journal - Radical Realism - Make it stand out Fanta in Subutex (dir. Nasreddine Shili, 2018) https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/on-dalila-ennadres-films monthly 0.5 2025-05-19 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/0cf9de63-3a1b-48a9-b1af-e8a005fb6565/Screenshot+2025-03-25+at+23.38.45.png journal - On Dalila Ennadre’s films - Make it stand out Still from El Batalett – Femmes de la Medina (2002), directed by Dalila Ennadre https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/953e0faf-187f-48ed-a56d-ce71f8dc333a/jai-tant-aime%CC%81-miroir.jpg journal - On Dalila Ennadre’s films - Make it stand out Still from J’ai tant aimé... (2008), directed by Dalila Ennadre. https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/the-first-murder monthly 0.5 2025-06-03 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/e1f07e01-c70f-4b64-b9e4-319de06034d6/Screenshot+2025-03-24+at+18.07.18.png journal - The first murder - Make it stand out From Colour Me (dir. Martin de Thurah) https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/lessons-in-monochrome monthly 0.5 2025-05-19 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/7036e3e8-a989-4065-b6fd-304b74c85fa2/IJWOBKLJ.jpg journal - Lessons in monochrome - Make it stand out The Girl with the Needle (2023) https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/8c17d3dc-35a8-4f18-86d8-282767546789/HUB3AYVW.jpg journal - Lessons in monochrome - Make it stand out The Girl with the Needle (2023) https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/bf093dad-63ab-42e7-b019-9dfa2153542d/image-w1280.jpg journal - Lessons in monochrome - Make it stand out Twilight (1990) https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/40bc9bbb-f048-4bd5-b03b-d757bd659a5b/Twilight_PressStills_07-H-2023+%281%29.jpeg journal - Lessons in monochrome - Make it stand out Twilight (1990) https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/who-am-i-writing-for monthly 0.5 2025-03-17 https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/open-menuedit-site-headerletting-the-story-breathe monthly 0.5 2025-05-19 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1740009758873-1X9OXMT6VMX34DGQDWX5/Screenshot+2024-12-19+at+15.27.54.png journal - Letting the story breathe - Make it stand out Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference. https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/persevering-in-the-face-of-rejection monthly 0.5 2025-03-17 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/d3fd1672-0a2a-4754-8c17-2bd3ce2d056a/H0923-L265177702.jpg journal - Persevering in the face of rejection - Make it stand out Photograph from Ré Soupault’s Eine Frau allein gehört allen, documenting women in the ‘quartier réservé’ in Tunis. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/3cb1effd-c28d-4c85-8abb-14696fff5f42/Screenshot+2025-01-16+at+11.26.28.jpg journal - Persevering in the face of rejection - Make it stand out Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference. https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/building-a-narrative-through-fragments-and-details monthly 0.5 2025-05-19 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1736718305348-TGY4B0W5C3R093M2757X/d392c962498af93fa32964f644cb0059.jpeg journal - Building a narrative through fragments and details - Make it stand out Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/f4473570-e471-482c-88e2-aeb1d635c241/IMG_4199.jpg journal - Building a narrative through fragments and details - Make it stand out Document reads: License for Moroccan Prostitutes in the Kingdom of Morocco (under French colonial rule) https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/the-corrupting-nature-of-power monthly 0.5 2025-05-19 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1729701641078-ORN1QP2GE4XO7K1I0KVU/EIJ1DZJK.jpeg journal - The corrupting nature of power - Make it stand out Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference. https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/treachery monthly 0.5 2025-05-19 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/1729699288919-BNT0PYBJ9052YBCCLDFK/XMBFCAF2.jpeg journal - Treachery - Make it stand out Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference. https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/thoughts-on-prostitute-1980 monthly 0.5 2025-05-19 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/0044cbea-f89d-4865-b09b-448fe0513689/prostitute.jpg journal - Thoughts on Prostitute (1980) - Make it stand out Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference. https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/new-milestones-with-beneath-a-mothers-feet monthly 0.5 2025-03-17 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/9761b29a-0c52-4ce6-84ec-d9217ab4dda2/IMG_2435.jpeg journal - New milestones with Beneath a Mother’s Feet - Make it stand out Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference. https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/tracing-the-lines-of-identity monthly 0.5 2025-03-17 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/f0bdd61b-df25-4d87-8bc7-7bb0fd567fdc/95770626-E395-4336-8492-B359B18006B3.jpg journal - Tracing the lines of identity Identity is not a singular concept, no matter how much we might wish it to be. It is fluid, porous, and contradictory. I have often wondered how much of it we choose for ourselves, and how much is shaped by the world around us. The assumptions of others, the labels we are given, the places we come from. For me, identity has always been a question without an easy answer. Born in Gibraltar to a Moroccan mother and an English father, my early life was a collision of cultures, languages, and expectations. I never felt like I fully belonged to either side. My father left when I was too young to remember, and I grew up without him in South London, raised by my mother in a quiet kind of isolation. We were Muslim, but not part of a larger Muslim community. We practised, but quietly, without the kind of communal rituals that anchor so many. We did not attend mosque. We did not have many Moroccan connections in London. It often felt like we were just floating, a small family unit adrift in the vast multicultural sea of South London, unnoticed, blending in. But can you truly blend in when the core of who you are is scattered across different worlds, each pulling you in a different direction? I felt this most acutely in Morocco, where we were labelled "Nus Nus" (half and half). Not fully Moroccan, not fully anything. My inability to speak Arabic fluently marked me as an outsider, even in my mother’s homeland. I remember the stares, the comparisons between me and my brother: "The younger one does not look Moroccan." Those words cut deeply. What does it mean to belong to a place when you do not look like it? When your skin, your features, do not reflect the identity that you carry inside? In Morocco, I felt the weight of these contradictions. I wanted to fit in, to disappear into the cultural fabric, but I was always reminded of my difference. My skin was too light, my Arabic too clumsy. The culture that should have been mine always felt just out of reach, like trying to catch water with your hands. I wanted to be Moroccan, fully and unquestionably. But what does that even mean? Is it language? Blood? Appearance? A feeling? The older I get, the more I realise how these questions linger unanswered. In London, the question of belonging was different. Here, my mixed identity became invisible. I was spared the direct racism that my mother faced regularly. I remember being on the bus with her when a stranger admonished her for speaking Arabic, telling her she should speak English because "we are in England." Her accent, her appearance, her presence marked her as foreign. She was always treated as other, an intruder in the place she called home. I would watch these encounters unfold, always painfully aware that they were not directed at me. Why was my mother seen as the outsider when I was not? Was it because I looked English? Was it because I could pass unnoticed, while she could not? This is the strange privilege of being "white passing" with an ethnic parent. I could slip through the cracks, avoiding the direct gaze of racism, while the people closest to me bore the full weight of it. But that privilege comes with a strange guilt. I watched as my mother was told to "go back to her own country" by an angry neighbour, his words a seething entitlement wrapped in venom. And yet, no one ever told me to go back. I was spared, even though I shared her heritage. I began to understand how much of our identity is shaped by the way we are seen by others. It became even more apparent when I lived in France, where people spoke openly about "Muslims" and "Arabs" in front of me, not realising I was both. The assumptions about who I was, based solely on my appearance, created these strange moments of revelation. When I would say, "I am Muslim and part Moroccan," there was always a moment of panic, an awkward backtrack as they tried to reconcile the image they had with the reality. It is in these moments that I began to wonder: How often do we construct identities for others based on our own biases? How often do we flatten entire cultures, entire people, into crude caricatures, never bothering to look beyond the surface? This is why the word "integration" triggers such a visceral response in me. It has become a kind of code, used not to welcome or embrace, but to demand assimilation. When people speak of "integration," what they often mean is erasure. They mean that Muslims, people of colour, immigrants, must conform to a set of expectations that others are never asked to meet. But integration into what? Whose idea of belonging? Is it possible to integrate while holding on to the complexities of who you are? Or does integration always come at the cost of something else, something vital? These questions have stayed with me. As I developed my first screenplay, Beneath a Mother’s Feet, I found myself returning to these ideas. My script was shaped by the sensory memories of my childhood: Food, smells, textures, the small, everyday details that ground us in who we are. A Script Editor I worked with recommended The Skin of the Film by Laura Marks, a book that explored intercultural cinema and the ways we experience identity through the senses. Reading it felt like a revelation. I began to realise that my fascination with these sensory details was a way of making sense of my own fractured identity. The smell of lamb tagine, the way my mother chopped onions for shlada, the feel of rubber slippers on tiled floors, these were the things that made me feel Moroccan, even when the larger culture told me I was not. In the end, identity is not something you can pin down. It shifts, it changes. It is made up of memories, of senses, of the ways we experience the world. I am both Moroccan and English, both insider and outsider, both Muslim and white passing. I am all of these things, and I am none of them entirely. And maybe that is okay. Maybe the act of trying to belong is less about finding a place to fit and more about making peace with the spaces in between. How do we hold on to these contradictions? How do we make sense of an identity that is never fixed, always shifting? Perhaps the answer is in the details, in the sensory fragments that tether us to something deeper, something more essential. Perhaps it is in the food we eat, the language we speak, the stories we tell. 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This persistent, underlying feeling led me on a seven-month private quest for answers, culminating in a diagnosis: ADHD. I’m aware that conversations around ADHD in the media often reduce it to a catchphrase, or suggest that those who claim it are using it as an excuse for their shortcomings. But it's tangible, real, and at times, manifests as physical pain, especially when faced with my rejection sensitivity. Even the smallest rejections can leave a mark. A message left unanswered. A shift in tone in someone’s voice. A misinterpreted look. These things stay with me, long after they should. They press into the skin. A clarity washed over me as I received the diagnosis, and I felt the urge to cry, not from grief, but from recognition. It was as if the missing pieces of my life's puzzle found their place. The diagnosis highlighted aspects of my behaviour, such as my tendency to hyper-focus on certain tasks, offset by moments of absent-mindedness or severe procrastination. Getting this diagnosis comprehending my mindset, and providing me with a roadmap to navigate my particular reactions and inclinations. This has been a pivot point for me. While the diagnosis itself is recent, the understanding it brings feels transformative. It's early days on this journey of self-awareness, but I already sense its value: a lens to re-examine past moments and a guide for future paths. Beyond the diagnosis, it's a deep dive into self-discovery, a commitment to embracing every facet of who I am. https://www.elias-suhail.com/journal/not-a-failure-but-a-lesson monthly 0.5 2025-03-17 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/60c3715c07855c7b40e65098/683bdd3e-c5bf-4e6e-83a6-6c3d7a3874e7/Beneath+a+Mother%27s+Feet+Still+-+Terrace.png journal - Dreams and realities in filmmaking Writing a screenplay isn’t just about putting words together; it’s a way of revealing something deeply personal, hoping it resonates with others. Each script reflects my hopes, fears, and vulnerabilities. So when rejection comes, especially from avenues I respect, it stings deeply. My debut short film, Beneath a Mother’s Feet, faced several rejections from festivals I admire, and more recently, a new film project was denied funding. Every 'no' feels personal, but I’ve learned that persistence is crucial in this unpredictable industry. Coming from a working-class background, balancing family responsibilities, and spending years behind the scenes in the film world has shaped my perspective. Some may say I came to directing later than most, but I see my experiences as an advantage, offering a depth and authenticity that can’t be easily replicated. My recent ADHD diagnosis added another layer to the journey. It helped explain my sensitivity to rejection but also opened up a well of creativity I hadn’t fully tapped into before. Balancing mental health, work, family, and the dream of filmmaking can be overwhelming at times. But I’ve come to appreciate the importance of carving out time for my passion and relying on the support of creative communities. To anyone reading this: our stories, experiences, and voices matter. My journey in filmmaking, with all its hurdles and moments of triumph, is proof of that. If you’re facing rejection and doubt, keep going. 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